To be a mom is to know true love and unrelenting guilt.
Motherhood changed me like I never would have imagined or would have believed years ago. In my experience, there are two feelings that go hand in hand with motherhood. One I discovered very early as a new mommie. The other I experience daily, but it wasn't until recently that I've been able to put it into words.
Twenty years ago my first little baby girl was born on a blistery March day. Two days later, my husband carefully buckled our little bundle in the backseat beside me. As he drove us home and I looked down at the most perfect little person in the world, I had a revelation that probably most new mother's can relate to. Tears began to roll down my face as I realized that life was never going to be the same because I LOVED this little creation so totally and completely with an overwhelming kind of love... I was never going to be the same. The feeling of love was like nothing I had felt before. It wasn't like being "in love". It was like being consumed by a love of such intensity that it literally frightened me. I created life, and I was a new creation!
Now, for the second most common feeling that comes with being a mother... GUILT. Guilt is an emotion and is both a cognitive and emotional experience. It occurs when a person realizes or believes -accurately or not- that he has compromised his own standards of conduct or violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation. Our first week home with our little one guilt introduced himself to me in a big way. I felt him when I wasn't holding K, when she wouldn't breastfeed, when I gave her a pacifier and resorted to a swing to calm her, when I fell asleep from total exhaustion, and when she cried. When I had to return to work 5 months after she was born I condemned myself for having to leave her and go to work. Over the years and two more girls added to our happy little family guilt and I have become quite close. When I went into labor with our 2nd baby, I hugged our almost 2 year old and felt unbelievably guilty for having another baby! Guilt has come knocking at my door so many times over the years... when we left our girls for a date night, when I got sick, when I didn't have food in the house they wanted, when I couldn't get for them what they wanted, when I let them cry in their crib, when someone else was ugly to them... the list goes on and on and on. I've homeschooled for 9 years and I feel guilty for doing that sometimes. I feel guilty for working part-time. I feel guilty for not making home-cooked meals often. I feel guilty for not being everything (or at least be able to provide everything) my girls need every moment of every day.
But then I go back to LOVE and God reminds me that I'm not perfect but I am loved perfectly. He trusted me with these girls. He graciously lent them to my husband and I fully knowing we would make mistakes but also knowing that we would LOVE them, not with a perfect love but a human one that is as close to knowing the love that God holds for each of us... His children. I thank God for showing me a small glimpse of what he feels for me. I ask him to help me with those feeling of guilt and shame because I know that I am a forgiven, alive and blessed beyond measure mother.
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| I wonder if "Carolina" the horse feels guilty for going to work? |
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